Burn Internship Recap and Debrief

This is a journal entry from the last day of my internship:

So much has changed in me these last four months. I asked the LORD to take snapshots of the before and after of every major countenance change that has take place during the internship and put them in the keepsake box in the attic of my mansion in heaven haha! I am a new creation. I was baptized last night, and when I came out of the water, the first thing that went through my head was, “wow, I actually feel different”. I thought that the authors of the Bible were exaggerating when they talked about baptism as a literal death of the flesh, but they weren’t! I felt lighter. I think last night was the climax of my time here.

We graduate in two days and I can’t make sense of the lack of remaining time. I can’t even make sense of how fast this season has come and gone. Nine months ago, I didn’t even think I would be here … heck, five months ago, I didn’t even think I would be here! Now I can’t even imagine not being here.

This internship has felt so surreal, and in a sense, it is surreal. This last four months has been an escape from reality. Don’t get me wrong, everything that has happened in my heart has been nothing but real, but my mind, body, and emotions have been in a perpetual state of rest in the LORD for four months straight. I have had the means and the motive to rid myself of the things of this world and just sit in the house of the LORD with my spiritual family. I have never felt this level of refreshing before.

I don’t want to live in a surreality (word?) for the rest of my life, and I know in my heart of hearts that I am ready for the next season, but I’m still afraid. Accelerated growth is one of the most glorious things I’ve ever experienced. This was a season of accelerated growth for me. I am not saying that the LORD only accelerates growth in a HOP internship. I’ve experienced His grace for quickened maturity outside of my internships as well. I think that I am just afraid that I will fall back into my old routine, my “business as usual” state. It is good for me to be wary of this and guard myself from slipping back into it, but this irrational fear has no place in me.

I think my fear comes from not knowing how much the LORD truly has done in my heart. I know, to a certain extent, that I have changed. What I don’t know is to what degree I have changed. I think that, because I am still in the midst of this season of change, I cannot see the change that is taking place. I think that once I get out of the whirlwind, and find my barring, my fear will subside. That is my hope. I still have no idea how much hunger that the LORD has instilled in my heart, hunger for His word and hunger for His presence. Before this internship, I would long for His presence, but not on a daily basis. Now I get grumpy on days that we have less than two hours of devo. I think that being deprived of my strict PR schedule will make me hunger for long hours of intimacy with Him much more than I did five months ago.

These are the three things that scare me the most about the next season of my life and college:
1 – Not desiring to spend time with Him on a daily basis.
2 – Losing friendships and community.
3 – Not being self disciplined enough to stay on a schedule.

And now you have come to the part of my journal entry which contains the clever and extremely lame sequence of alliterations that summarize the sate of my heart post-Burn Internship:
I have been romance out of unrighteous religion, carried out of the captivity of compromise, and provoked out of the place of pride.

And now you have come to the part of my journal entry that explains, in intricate detail, the above statement:

Romanced Out of Unrighteous Religion
I remember, in one of Randy’s classes, we spent the whole session praying and singing in tongues. I was so offended that we were “wasting” precious time that we could have spent learning about Jesus (this was in Christology class – the study of Jesus). I think I learned more about the heart of Jesus in that class than I did in any of our other Christology classes. I came here with a religious spirit like a parasite in my soul, but I am leaving now with a desire to seek the Lord in my secret place and establish true intimacy with Him.

Carried Out of the Captivity of Compromise
I came here so oblivious to the fact that I had let Jezebel have a foothold in my life. About half way through the internship, the Lord started to show me the ways that I had let her have a hold on my heart, and I was not okay with it. I set my heart to fix the problem, and almost right away, Jezebel started to rage. She longs to get me down to her level again, but I have set my gaze on heavenly things. Praise God! I still struggle, but I know her sneak attack strategies now, and I gird myself up with my own strategies … strategies from heaven that she can never know!

Provoked Out of the Place of Pride
About halfway through, the Lord pretty bluntly revealed the pride of my heart to me. He basically told me that He was “ready” to humble me … haha! The pride in my heart was ruining relationships with my housemates and hindering wholehearted devotion to the Lord. I set my heart not to be discouraged or offended by His method of humbling me. I truly desire for the cry of my heart to be that of John the Baptists, “I must decrease that He may increase”

FPF will always be my home base, even in the age to come ! This has been the hardest, most restful, most fulfilling, best season of my life thus far. This is just the beginning, and I already know the end. He is altogether wise! Now to him who is able to keep me, be dominion over my life forever and ever. Amen.

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